I came here by day, but I left here in darkness and found you on the way.

Monday, February 13, 2006
Bloody hell.

Ah... Valentine's Day. Another Hallmark Holiday created to make those without feel lonlier than they already are...  and bring back memories that stay tucked away in a white box under the bed.

Candy, cards, ribbons, and flowers.  I'll send you a black rose with poisoned thorns and a carton full of arsenic laced chocolates.  I'll watch you eat one, and as the venom pulses through your veins.  You'll grab on to my sleeve and with one dying breath, whisper "I hate you."  And I'll say, "me too" and walk away.

Tomorrow, I'll be the bitter one, walking the campus streets--head down with a frown.  Don't bump into me.  Don't you fucking dare say "Happy Valentine's Day."

You just might get stabbed.

Posted at 09:35 pm by lamentofagony
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Sunday, January 22, 2006

Ah.  It's over.  I think I did dismally, but it's over.

I've been up for more than 24 hours.  It's time for some sleep.

I think I deserve it.

Posted at 01:30 am by lamentofagony
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Friday, January 20, 2006

Aigh...  less than 48 hours left.

Eys...  brrn.  Fingerz...  num.  Brane...  ded.

Posted at 01:14 am by lamentofagony
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Monday, January 16, 2006

So today we went out to the leasing office at 7:00 AM.  Signed the lease. It's official. We're living at an apartment next year. No backing out now.

Mmm. Taking the PCAT this Saturday at 8:00.  I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in a long while.

Posted at 11:13 am by lamentofagony
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Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Fall grades

So first semester grades are in.  They have been for a while, actually, but for me, it's just now sinking in.  I'm rather disappointed.  I don't know what to think...  anger?  sadness?  frustration?  disbelief?

My inspiration to slave as I do at work and in school is backed by the belief that hard work is greatly rewarded in the end.  I'm not saying that I'm giving up, I'm not saying thay I've lost hope, but I'm also not saying that my spirits haven't been nicked a bit.

It's not the end just yet.  I think it's unfair, though: to keep believing and to keep working so hard at something so tough and not receive results.  It only gets harder and now, the odds are against me.  Is it foolish?  Maybe it is.  But I guess that's just what I am...

a fool.

Posted at 11:19 pm by lamentofagony
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Friday, December 30, 2005
Winter getaway

I just got back from the cousin's lakehouse.  A bunch of us spent a couple of days there.  It was fun.  It felt nice to relax and not have to worry about things: i.e. upcoming PCAT exams.  I wasn't going to go at first...  but I thought, "what the hell."

I woke up in the backseat of the van, already parked in the garage.  I got out and walked into what seemed to be a fairly large sized house, alittle bigger than your average four-room apartment.  I thought that was it, but little did I know.  I claimed a nearby couch and started to make myself comfortable as I noticed everyone heading upstairs.  I walked up and was star-struck.

What I was just in was the basement.  Another floor up was the main area, with a kitchen that would make iron chefs drop their jaws.  The entertainment room was decked out with a huge, wall mounted plasma screen television and a ten-seater leather couch that was softer than a feathered pillow.  Room after room, I was knocked off my feet, each one littered with antiques, pictures, frames, tables, figures--things I wouldn't touch because I thought I'd diminish the value.  Sliding through on my socks along the glazed hardwood floors, each room's ceiling reached up to the heavens, with windows that spewed in sunlight and overlooked a glistening lake.

And yet there was another level, not as glorious as the second but just as amazing.  The master bedroom was the size of the basement where I came in, each of the other four bedrooms were about a quarter in size as well.  All adorned with things I'd see in magazines that I only wish I could have.

Amazing as everything was, it made me think.  What else is there if you have all the things you want?  Materialistically speaking, there'd be nothing else to look for, nothing else to buy.  No, I'm not hating.  I'm just glad that I live a humble life.  I treasure all the little things I have, each measly paycheck I get, the valuable time that I have free.  I'm glad I'm not rich...  or spoiled.  Heh, the only thing I wish I could be spoiled with is affection.  I just think I could truly enjoy those things only if I worked for and earned it all.  You should only spoil yourself so much at a time...  and it's wise to not make it a habit.

Posted at 12:06 am by lamentofagony
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Saturday, December 24, 2005

It'll be Christmas Day in less than thirty minutes.  It's usually Christmas Eve that I look forward to.  All the excitement builds up, right before the big day.  It's not really even that big of a day...  nothing much to do after the hour or two of opening presents that morning.  Like many things, it's all about the preparation.  The tree, the lights, the gifts, the cards--  at one point there was a religious aspect to it.  Anyway...  Christmas Eve is when all our family gathers.

Played some Poker.  Ate a big dinner, followed by a bowl of Sharkfin soup.  It was kind of fishy.  The smell, I mean.  The fin part didn't add too much to the dish, with its awkward texture and unsatisfying snap when you bite a piece in half.  Dare I say, would it have tasted better without the fins?  Aren't shark fins comprised of cartilage?  Hm.  Cartilage soup.

Now when they cut the fins off of the sharks, don't they just throw them back into the water?  Sharks are scary and all, but that's kind of wrong.  I don't think the soup was worth it.

Hm.  For Christmas, I want to fall in love.  But that's not going to happen.  Anyway, tomorrow is in less than fifteen minutes.  I'd better go to sleep before Santa passes by because I'm not in bed.

Posted at 11:44 pm by lamentofagony
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Saturday, December 10, 2005
It's 3:30 AM.

and I've decided.

I've decided not to care about her as much anymore.

So there'll be no more hugs.  There'll be no more heart-to-hearts deep into the night.  No more comfortable silences, friendly glances, or loving gestures.

Not caring will make not having all those things...  so much easier to swallow.

Posted at 03:30 am by lamentofagony
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Saturday, November 26, 2005
I was sitting

on the shower floor earlier tonight.

I took the bar of soap and put it in my mouth.

It tasted awful.

Posted at 08:15 pm by lamentofagony
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Sunday, November 20, 2005
I can't count on my fingers

the times I've seen myself dangling out the window of my room from a makeshift noose of torn bedsheets.  The times I'd close my eyes and see my pale body on the floor, my clothes drenched in crimson from a finely, razor-sliced stream across my wrists.  The times I'd lay staggered on your couch with an exit wound on the back of my skull, bleeding on your white carpet.

I can say I'm not afraid of death.  I can say that as many times as I want.  I'm not afraid to leave--hell, why haven't I already gone?

But when I'm laying there at night, staring at the wall beside me, I get scared.  Scared of what dreams may bring.  Dreading to wake up each morning in sweat.  Not cold sweat, but hot.  Sweat still warm from the constant pounding, panting, and coursing of blood through my veins like a roller coaster whose emergency brake has collapsed.  Sweat that's there to remind me of a vision just witnessed, even if the events couldn't be recalled when I jerk back into consciousness.

I can say I'm not afraid.  I'd be lying.

And the sound of your voice runs through my mind, over and over again, repeating the line you fed to me which was engraved into my brain with a chisel and hammer.  Sweet and pure, like chorus of angels.  And you'd say,

"If I were you, I'd slash my wrists too."

Posted at 02:11 am by lamentofagony
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